No Means No, Molyneux
Now, it was bad enough when Peter Molyneux revealed the next Fable game to be a Kinect-driven, on-rails, uh, horse-pulled carriage… thing.
That wouldn’t feature swords. Or guns.
Or gameplay… probably.
The whole thing seemed like a bad joke. After years of making absurd promises as to what gameplay nuances would be included in the first three Fable games (and never coming through on a single one), now it was as if ol’ Pete was running headlong in the opposite direction entirely, and promising a Fable game with no gameplay nuances to speak of.
Molyneux initally claimed that the reason that he was removing the bread and butter of Fable’s combat system was due to “a lack of feedback.”
Unfortunately, it was only after I stood outside of Lionhead’s offices with a bullhorn, offering some feedback along the lines of “THIS WHOLE GAME IS A TERRIBLE FREAKING IDEA,” did I realize that that Molyneux was referring to “physical feedback.” More specifically, the idea that the Kinect sensor couldn’t provide a sense of resistance when swinging your sword into a Hobbes’ face.
Now, a lack of feedback didn’t seem to hinder the gameplay experiences of motion-controlled slashers like Red Steel 2 or TLoZ: Skyward Sword, but far be it from me to try to reason with the man who created the world’s first God Simulator/Animal Abuse Extravaganza.
In any case, Fable: The Journey still smacks of a terrible idea borne from a total ass.
But now, there’s Fable Heroes, a game that manages to make Fable: The Journey look like 2012’s front-runner for Game of the Year.
Leaked by a listing on the XBLA Marketplace, Fable Heroes is Lionhead’s attempt at one-upping Nintendo’s Mario Party series.
Let’s just… let that one sink in, for a second.
A human being (that, to my knowledge, is recognized as being legally sane) is actually attmepting to make a Mario Party-killer.
So… it’s official. Somebody needs to chain Molyneux to a radiator. The man has clearly lost his goddamned mind.
I mean, the Fable franchise has never been the most original, or the most memorable… but doesn’t it deserve just a modicum of respect from the folks who created it? Doesn’t it deserve just a little bit better than… this? Whatever the hell this game is supposed to be, anyway.
Now, listen, Molyneux… people may have liked the Fable games, but not to the point of froth-mouthed fervor… not to the point where they would buy games in which you’ve awkwardly shoehorned the Fable universe into bizarre genres.
Nobody wants an on-rails Fable, and nobody wants whatever this shit is. I’d leave it at that, Peter, but seeing as you’ve obviously gone 100% batshit, I’ll go ahead and make a list that you can use for future reference.
Nobody wants any of the following:
– A Fable kart-racer
– A Fable block-puzzle game
– An exclusively voice-controlled Fable text adventure (ONLY ON KINECT)
– Super Smash Fable
– A multiplayer-only Fable FPS…set in the future…for some reason
– A pseudo-sequel to Black & White set in the Fable universe (Lords of Fable: Slapping Monkeez)
– A Fable-themed coffee maker that plays The Scorpions’ greatest hits using Renaissance-era instruments (this seemed like a long shot, but you’re just so f*cking crazy…I felt the need to cover my bases)
I mean… I guess you could take another stab at making a decent Fable adventure, but…oh, wait. Somebody already did make a decent Fable adventure.
It’s called Kingdoms of Amalur: Reckoning.
So, just… just go sit in the corner, Pete. Sit in the corner and think about what made Populous so awesome.