Annotated 18-6
Phil’s original:
The slaughter of many unites in one purpose.
It is the silent screams of the dead that take vengeance on the takers of life.
The grain of sand, amongst many, forms the vastness of the great desert.
The spark, amongst many, forms the fire that burns through the hearts of wicked men.
If in life we stand together to defend the innocent,
Then in death, we shall fly together to destroy the evil of this world and the next
Come, you band of unfortunate souls
Come, and be united for our common purpose
Come, and ignite the inferno of unstoppable vengeance!
My notes to Phil on this…
Edited this text a little. I realize it’s the page John is penciling right now, but it’s been nagging at me, and doing other things loosened something in my brain till I finally figured out what felt “off:” Gravedust loses his temper in the original dialogue. The sentiment is right, but “ignite the inferno of unstoppable vengeance” is more of a Harky line than a Gravedust line. He’s angry at the waste, yes, but I don’t think he’d blow his dignity like that unless he was absolutely as angry as he could get– and I think that kind of anger is reserved for what has happened to his OWN people. Also, this version: fewer words that struck me as needless.
Note that even though I want to end the chant with a period and not an exclamation mark, his volume might still go up in the last sentence, by your bolding or embiggening the text or making the balloon spiky or heavy-bordered.
And also changed from fire imagery to consistent sand imagery, since we’ve got lots of fire elsewhere, including on 17.1 and on the cover.
The original puts me in mind of a old Norse proverb.
Small are the grains of sand that make the beach.
Small are the drops of water that make the ocean.
And small are the minds of men.