Annotated 25-10
Sometimes surprise is overrated. Sometimes you just have to let the reader know that the train wreck is coming and trust that it’ll be more riveting to watch it in slo-mo, with no last-minute twists.
We could have sketched Ferris in a little bit more to make you feel for him: what was his pet-owning history? But that was a conscious choice, in the end: his simplicity makes it easier for you to enter his shoes.
We also considered simplifying even further and leaving Carol’s narrative out of it, particularly since we couldn’t rely on differently-colored-or-typefaced captions to denote the switch between narrators. But you get it, and setting up her state of mind clearly here will make you understand her better in later scenes in this chapter, where narrative silence will be more important.
I think the textboxes for Carol were the right choice. You need her visibly rattled for leaving the keys behind to feel right, and doing that… um, visibly through overacting would feel weird.
I admit, I’m curious how things would have gone had she not left her keys in the elevator. Though, if I’m being honest, I suspect that all such options boil down to “only delaying the inevitable.” Sooner or later, HR is going to invite some employee down there and they’re not gonna head back up.
Ahh yes. Here I am!
Not for long!
Dude… Too soon!
Right…wait a couple days for things to happen THEN comment on them. >_>
No need to lose your head over it!
I have to say, that looks bigger than any passenger elevator I’ve ever seen.
Maybe it’s a freight elevator? Maybe that’s the only elevator that goes to the basement? After all, it is the server room. And they had to get those tubes down there somehow.
Maybe… I mean, obviously it’s a TARDIS.
You’ve got “Stairway to Heaven” linked here. I immediately thought of “Don’t Go In the Basement”. https://youtu.be/N0Z6SOlWbds
The Ferris wheel is going DOWN.
Freaky free keys!
As the master himself said, there is a distinct difference between suspens and surprise: https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/728496-there-is-a-distinct-difference-between-suspense-and-surprise-and
And jumpscares are WAY overused.
In these type of situations I always wonder how things would go in real life. I mean, lets consider you work in a company and in that company theres a room wich only upper management has access for some reason and you are quite clearly forbiden to enter. Then, for some reason, someone leaves the key for that room out in the open.
What do you do? You leave it there or do you pick the key and enter the room you are not supposed to go into and risk, at least, your job?
hmm, I wonder.
I mean, different folks, different priorities. Intellectuals are often driven by curiosity. But choices like this may be why I never made it too far in the corporate world.
As a third option, grab the keys then run and shout to catch up with Carol. “Hey, boss, you dropped these!” If you show that you care more about doing your duty than seizing a short-term opportunity for personal gain, and that you have your wits together when she’s falling apart, maybe could parlay that into joining the inner circle as a full partner.