Annotated 24-17
I think our attempts to fix this scene ended up making it worse. It started out as just boring, like the “Byron studies ethics” idea before it. So we ramped up the conflict until Byron and Gravedust sounded way too snippy with each other to be true to who they were. And then we published it.
The primary problem is a lack of stakes. What’s the worst-case scenario: Gravedust walks out of the library? Byron gets writer’s block and can’t write the speech, so I guess Syr’Nj has to? Because I don’t think they’re all going to decide suing for their rights is a stupid idea and go out to found Fightopia II.
It’s not all bad, though. There is a conflict between idealism and cynicism that B and G can sometimes embody, as in their first real talk back in Chapter 5. Maybe if we’d kept the conflict in a minor key and intercut it with the more colorful job-post scene… might’ve worked.
I rather liked this disagreement. Sure, there are no ‘stakes’ in a large sense, but it does show the characters disagreeing on something rather basic level, even though they have the same goals. Gravedust is willing to pitch in even when he thinks the idea is going nowhere, but when asked he’s not going to pretend it’s not a death-march. The fact that the characters can have such a fight shows they have a strong friendship. Gravedust doesn’t dismiss Bryon’s intent, but doubts that Bryon understands the system and apathy that is the actual enemy here. There’s no one (yet) saying adventurers need to be kept poor and starving so there’s always a source of cheap problem solvers, but changing that needs to be presented as a way to benefit those in power, not a moral right they need to acknowledge.
Of course, the best way to get the rich and powerful to help you is helping cement their power and control. For all that gravedust is trying to work within the system, he very much has his own struggles with it, asking if he’s just become a cog.
I think you’re often too hard on yourselves in your recaps, but I think you’re dead on here. The tone struck me as a little too antagonistic and snippy at the time.
Not a major disaster, but a bit of a stumble
Fightopia: We go through republics faster than France!
I think it worked. For some definition of “worked.”
I mean I think the Gravedust you wound up putting on the page–on all the pages, not just this one–wound up somewhat harder on his companions, particularly his human companions, than the Gravedust in your minds, the Gravedust you intended to write. But I’m not convinced that makes him, in any way, a worse character.
And he was right here, more right than even he knew. Well–not entirely. Persson, likely the last one he would have ever credited with it, did have a heart that could be reached, but it made sense that Gravedust would not guess that. He was right to think that an appeal to the Heads of Houses to act in anything but a completely selfish, ruthless fashion was pointless, even though he didn’t have the insight into why that was the case that Sundar did: everything they gave, they took back with interest later.
Is that Lectrus’ magic lantern in the foreground, and was it decided “magic” at this time?
No, that’s just another ordinary lantern. They all look pretty much the same.
I never had a problem with this part. I’m kind of assuming that lack of stakes has to do with who they are fundamentally, and how they were going to respond.
Gravedust still hates what happened to his people, but has come to terms with not hating all Gastonians. His rage is at those in charge (as it should be), and he is currently frustrated at the feeling that this is going to be another attempt at justice that just isn’t going to go anywhere.
Byron is digging his heels into this project, but he’s probably not as much a studier with a lot of his knowledge coming more from experience, so he’s a little out of his depth. Gravedust acting like this is all going to be pointless bothers Byron, for whom this is his first real attempt to change things for all his brothers and sisters in the ass kicking profession.
But the worst thing that could happen is that they both just stop talking and get back to work. Byron will do his best at this task no matter what, not only because he promised Sundar (who is technically and literally the standard bearer for Brunhilda, and a brother in ass kicking profession), but because it could also change a lot of the inequality, he himself had to deal with. Gravedust would also stay. His productivity might take a hit, but the Peacemakers are as much his family now as his own people, and he wouldn’t just abandon a project they are clearly set on.
Maybe the scene could have helped from Bryon realizing the kind of leadership he would need to keep Gravedust working his best at this, that would act as character development towards the kind of guildmaster he would need to be in order to do this job he is going to land.
I think the last part doesnt feels right. Maybe is the way Byron leans onto Gravedust, he seems just too aggresive.
The conversation is fine, maybe a bit sharp, but you can have sharp without aggresive.
If you kept the conversation but with different looks, it would have probably looked better.
Still, it gets the point accross. Byron is thinking like a fighter, an adventurer. And Gravy is remarking of his err.
Almost my thoughts, too. The only thing that didn’t work for me was Byron’s slightly too-aggressive tone in the last panel. If that was more frustrated and annoyed, maybe some resignation, it’d be fine for me.
Bonus: Have Gravy drop some hints to steer away from the compassion angle, and have others ignore them, because they’re too busy.
The whole topic of “don’t try compassion in a field where that’s only used for window-dressing” came up at the right time for myself, because that’s the exact mistake I’ve made a million times myself. Gravy’s remark is very much on point, and an important life lesson.
Nah, Gravedust can come off as a jerk at times with his contempt seemingly aimed at the nearest human but at least he gets straight to the point at the last panel after Byron prods him. Byron was under orders to kill the other adventurers if needs be so it’s clear the heads of houses honestly don’t care about them.
I occasionally pull a philosophical 180 myself; doubting your talents just enough to believe there’s something just out of your reach is a very humble place to speak from. That scans as real to me, even if it’s an idea that later gets pushed past.
Or maybe Gravy just needs a Snicker’s.
It’s not far off from what works for molé.
~slow clap~
I dunno, Gravy’s sharpness here really works for me. That sort of bluntness is the kind of “tough love” that I received a lot of growing up, and I think that important messages are passed on that way that wouldn’t get through otherwise. (You may have a point about Byron reaction being a bit strong though. That seems less in-character).
Cheers,
Côté