Due to power outage, comic will be late on update. Thanks for your patience, guildies.
Skyrim was my most anticipated game of 2011, and I couldn’t get to the store fast enough on launch day to snag my copy.
Unfortunately, I only own a PS3. Thus, my Skyrim experience has been a gimped, buggy mess for three months. The more I played, the worse the framerate stuttered. Eventually, it got to the point where it was less of an open-world, freeform RPG and more of a PowerPoint presentation on The Lord of the Rings. I’ve seen third-party N64 movie tie-ins that had a smoother framerate.
Though Bethesda acknowledged the PS3-exclusive memory issue, they released two patches which did nothing to fix the gamebreaking issue at hand (one patch actually added a slew of other bugs to the world of Skyrim. Awesome). Finally, 1.4 was released and returned the PS3 version to a playable state.
However, it didn’t take me long to run into several glitches that now prevent me from completing several quests. Ugh. For every hour of exciting gameplay, there’s usually another hour dedicated to replaying that previously exciting gameplay because some glitch just wrecked my shit. My Skyrim experience can be most succinctly summed up as, “two steps forward, one step back.”
After a while, it started to feel more like work than leisure.
I understand that a game of this scope and breadth is incredibly difficult to bug-test, but now that Todd Howard has flat out stated that Bethesda knew that there was a bug so egregious in the game that some users would be unable to play it, I’m over the whole deal. I’m over Skyrim. I’m over Bethesda. I’m just… over it.
Now, sure, I understand that the idea of delaying the launch of Skyrim for the PS3 in order to fix the bug wasn’t an option. It would cripple Zenimax’s bottom line, and would definitely injure their working relationship with Sony. The fall’s biggest game being held back at the eleventh hour… but only on PS3? Yeah. I can see why they didn’t go down that road.
I get that.
But how about full disclosure, Mr. Howard? How about getting the word out to potential PS3 consumers that the game they’re forking over sixty dollars for MAY NOT FUNCTION AS ADVERTISED? Why not be honest with the people who help keep you in business?
Sure, admitting that the game may not work correctly at launch may have caused several potential consumers to hold back on an immediate purchase, but they’d still have bought the game once the issue was ironed out.
But by NOT saying anything, Bethesda has just made me very nervous about buying any of their products in the future. I understand that Bethesda’s games usually have some bugginess, but never to the point of crippling the game. There was a three-month period where I couldn’t play a game I already paid for.
I gave you money for a video game, not for the opportunity to do your QA testing at my expense. My responsibility to your company begins and ends with me slapping money on a counter.
It’s not even the memory-glitch that pisses me off, it’s the fact that Bethesda knowingly foisted a broken product upon an unsuspecting public.
So, we’re through, Skyrim. You’re awesome… when you want to be. You’re immersive… until you glitch out. But playing you is like dating a biplolar chick. The highs are unforgettable… but, unfortunately, the lows are even more so. Trying to experience the best you have to offer has just become too trying.
So get your shit out of my spartment, you crazy, unstable slag. And leave the key on the table.
P.S. Real talk… I’ve been hooking up with this other chick, Amalur. She might not be as deep as you, or as pretty, or as interesting…
… but at least I know she makes good on her promises.
Also, I don’t have to worry about her trying to stab the shit out of me with a plastic spork because she didn’t take her meds. You so crazy, Skyrim.
Ahoy hoy, Guildies! We’re amped up for our next con appearance down in Richmond, VA for RavenCon! This will be my first time attending after many years of intentions and broken promises, and I’ll be rolling in by Megabus no less. Prepare yourselves, Virginians: Guilded Age is going to huckster all the fuck up in your Holiday Inn. Come out and see us if you’re in the area, we’ll have all the GA merch available for your purchasing pleasure (or in our brand new store, if you’d prefer).
T and I will both be there, but apparently only I have panels. Schedule after the jump!
Now, it was bad enough when Peter Molyneux revealed the next Fable game to be a Kinect-driven, on-rails, uh, horse-pulled carriage… thing.
That wouldn’t feature swords. Or guns.
Or gameplay… probably.
The whole thing seemed like a bad joke. After years of making absurd promises as to what gameplay nuances would be included in the first three Fable games (and never coming through on a single one), now it was as if ol’ Pete was running headlong in the opposite direction entirely, and promising a Fable game with no gameplay nuances to speak of.
Molyneux initally claimed that the reason that he was removing the bread and butter of Fable’s combat system was due to “a lack of feedback.”
Unfortunately, it was only after I stood outside of Lionhead’s offices with a bullhorn, offering some feedback along the lines of “THIS WHOLE GAME IS A TERRIBLE FREAKING IDEA,” did I realize that that Molyneux was referring to “physical feedback.” More specifically, the idea that the Kinect sensor couldn’t provide a sense of resistance when swinging your sword into a Hobbes’ face.
Now, a lack of feedback didn’t seem to hinder the gameplay experiences of motion-controlled slashers like Red Steel 2 or TLoZ: Skyward Sword, but far be it from me to try to reason with the man who created the world’s first God Simulator/Animal Abuse Extravaganza.
In any case, Fable: The Journey still smacks of a terrible idea borne from a total ass.
But now, there’s Fable Heroes, a game that manages to make Fable: The Journey look like 2012′s front-runner for Game of the Year.
Leaked by a listing on the XBLA Marketplace, Fable Heroes is Lionhead’s attempt at one-upping Nintendo’s Mario Party series.
Let’s just… let that one sink in, for a second.
A human being (that, to my knowledge, is recognized as being legally sane) is actually attmepting to make a Mario Party-killer.
So… it’s official. Somebody needs to chain Molyneux to a radiator. The man has clearly lost his goddamned mind.
I mean, the Fable franchise has never been the most original, or the most memorable… but doesn’t it deserve just a modicum of respect from the folks who created it? Doesn’t it deserve just a little bit better than… this? Whatever the hell this game is supposed to be, anyway.
Now, listen, Molyneux… people may have liked the Fable games, but not to the point of froth-mouthed fervor… not to the point where they would buy games in which you’ve awkwardly shoehorned the Fable universe into bizarre genres.
Nobody wants an on-rails Fable, and nobody wants whatever this shit is. I’d leave it at that, Peter, but seeing as you’ve obviously gone 100% batshit, I’ll go ahead and make a list that you can use for future reference.
Nobody wants any of the following:
- A Fable kart-racer
- A Fable block-puzzle game
- An exclusively voice-controlled Fable text adventure (ONLY ON KINECT)
- Super Smash Fable
- A multiplayer-only Fable FPS…set in the future…for some reason
- A pseudo-sequel to Black & White set in the Fable universe (Lords of Fable: Slapping Monkeez)
- A Fable-themed coffee maker that plays The Scorpions’ greatest hits using Renaissance-era instruments (this seemed like a long shot, but you’re just so f*cking crazy…I felt the need to cover my bases)
I mean… I guess you could take another stab at making a decent Fable adventure, but…oh, wait. Somebody already did make a decent Fable adventure.
It’s called Kingdoms of Amalur: Reckoning.
So, just… just go sit in the corner, Pete. Sit in the corner and think about what made Populous so awesome.